The Porcupine's Quill - [30-Aug-2024]
The Porcupine's Quill is a news update page providing a satirical version of Texas political news from a Libertarian perspective.
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Migrant Cross-Country Bus Tour Slows
In a surprising twist, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has recently announced a surprising reduction in the number of migrants being bussed out of the state. To recap, Abbott’s previous strategy was to bus migrants out of Texas like he was running a cross-country tour with each bus decorated with a sign that reads, “Next Stop: Not Here.”
Let’s be real here. The original idea of busing migrants out of Texas had all the elegance of a bull in a China shop. What started as a grand strategy to solve a complex issue turned into a masterclass of how NOT to manage a public policy. From a Libertarian perspective, it's a chance to reflect on why some government programs are like mixing oil and water — except the oil is bureaucracy and the water is common sense.
It’s almost as if Abbott’s bussing strategy was a real-time experiment in Libertarian theory. The original plan, full of overreach and grandiosity, eventually collapsed under its own weight. And what’s left? Less government intervention. The busing fiasco has given us a front-row seat to the messiness that ensues when the government tries to overreach. In the end, fewer migrants being bussed out of Texas might just be the best argument for less government intervention we’ve seen in a while.
[Article Link: Greg Abbott Claims Victory as Migrant Buses Stop Leaving Texas - Newsweek]
Abbott's Voter Roll Purge
Texas Governor Greg Abbott, aiming to "clean up" the voter rolls, rolled out an initiative to remove names from the list of eligible voters. The goal? To ensure that every Texan who votes is, in fact, a living, breathing Texan— which he said excludes “noncitizens, deceased voters, and people who moved to another state”. As Libertarians, we might argue that’s a fine idea — if it weren’t for the fact that this purge ended up looking like an all-you-can-eat buffet of bureaucratic blunders.
Watching Abbott’s voter roll purge is like witnessing government overreach at its most comically inept, providing a case study in how not to manage anything — let alone something as crucial as voter registration. One would assume that such a purge would involve rigorous checks to ensure accuracy. Instead, it seems Abbott’s team approached it with the meticulousness of a kid trying to organize a Lego set by tossing all the pieces into a bag. The result? A voter list that now includes more ghost names than a haunted house.
The method behind the madness seems to have been an algorithm that looked like it was designed by a caffeine-addled raccoon with a typewriter. It purged voters based on criteria so arbitrary it might as well have included “has ever breathed air” as a disqualifying factor. In the true spirit of Libertarian principles, one could argue that Abbott’s purge has brilliantly demonstrated the dangers of government overreach because nothing says “ineptness” quite like a system that accidentally disenfranchises more voters than it helps.
The system Abbott implemented might have been meant to ensure fairness and accuracy, but it instead turned into a masterclass in how to screw up a simple task with government-sized proportions. It’s almost poetic. By making a mess of the voter rolls, Abbott’s team inadvertently showcased the very principle that Libertarians champion: that less government is often the best government. After all, when the state tries to micromanage something as personal as voting, we just end up with more problems than solutions.
[Article Link: Texas Removed 1 million from Voter Rolls. But Most Had Moved or Died. - The New York Times]
Abbott and Costello "Who's on First?" Redux
Abbott's claim that he is protecting voter rights is also suspect, given that Texas Republicans have been accused of creating unnecessary burdens for nonwhite and disabled voters by limiting access to the ballot box, especially in blue pockets of the state.
Just last week, part-time comedian and full-time pain-in-the-ass Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, the "Costello" half of Texas's statehouse duo, ordered raids on the homes of prominent Latino Democrats and members of the League of United Latin American Citizens (LULAC), a nonpartisan Latino civil rights groups. Costello claimed that the operation is part of an "election integrity investigation," but his office did not explain why those specific homes were targeted. LULAC said that it had not been informed of any details regarding allegations against any of its members. The group has asked the U.S. Justice Department to open a probe into Costello's office for potentially violating the Voting Rights Act of 1965.
From a Libertarian viewpoint, Costello’s decision to raid the homes of prominent Latino Democrats seems like a textbook case of government overreach, but with a twist of comic relief. It’s as if Costello woke up one day and thought, “How can I completely miss the mark on personal freedom while simultaneously ensuring that everyone gets a hearty laugh?” In a grand display of what not to do when trying to respect individual liberties, Costello’s raids have become the ultimate demonstration of how a government official can inadvertently turn a serious policy into a punchline.
As Libertarians watch from the sidelines, popcorn in hand, we can’t help but marvel at the irony of a politician trying to “clean up” the political landscape by breaking and entering into private homes. To us, it’s like trying to fix a leaky boat by drilling more holes. The absurdity of the raids has prompted Texas Libertarians to start a new campaign: “More Freedom, Less Costello.” If there’s one thing that’s clear, it’s that Costello’s attempt at enforcement is proving to be the most entertaining case study in how not to secure liberty and justice for all.
[Article Link: Texas AG raids Latino Democrats' homes, including those of LULAC members - CBS News]
Costello is Un-Fair
In a twist that’s almost as Texas-sized as a deep-fried butter stick, self-proclaimed “Amateur Sharpshooter” Costello has launched a lawsuit against the Texas State Fair. His beef? The fair’s ban on firearms. The lawsuit, filed in the Houston Courthouse, claims that without his trusty sidearm, Costello can’t properly defend his corn dogs, funnel cakes, and, more importantly, his honor - what there is of it.
Costello’s legal team argues that in a state known for its “everything’s bigger in Texas” motto, the exclusion of firearms at the fair is an infringement on their client’s “inalienable right to bear arms while indulging in artery-clogging delicacies.” According to the complaint, Costello felt “defenseless and vulnerable” amidst the sea of deep-fried delights and game booths.
In his defense, Costello argues that the right to bear arms isn’t just about defending oneself against potential threats but also about upholding a certain level of swagger. “How am I supposed to impress the ladies at the carnival games without a six-shooter strapped to my side?” Costello lamented. “And let’s not even get started on the sheer inconvenience of having to defend my nachos with a mere fork!”
The lawsuit also includes a request for damages for “emotional distress” and “severe disappointment” caused by the inability to “fully embrace the Texan spirit” during the fair. Costello is demanding not only compensation but also an official apology from the fair organizers and a lifetime supply of cotton candy.