The Porcupine's Quill - [13-Sep-2024]
The Porcupine's Quill is a news update page providing a satirical version of Texas political news from a Libertarian perspective.
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The Presidential Debate
The big story that people are talking about this week is last Tuesday's televised presidential debate where, by all reports, the Democratic nominee mopped the floor with the Republican nominee's expensive-but-probably-bought-at-a-steep-discount hairpiece.
The debate, whose questions accurately reflecting voters’ priorities, spent more time on immigration and border security than any other issue except the economy. Included in that particularly bizarre exchange was the Republican nominee's unsubstantiated claim that migrants in Springfield, Ohio, were eating dogs and cats. The real head-scratcher is, "Why Ohio?" At least, here in Texas, we know how to barbecue! As a Texan, I am personally offended that the former president would prefer the Buckeye barbecue's Fido fritters and Kitty kebobs over a rack of Lone Star ribs and barbacoa.
Deportation Aspirations
Given that mass deportation is central to his approach to immigration and border security, when asked about how he plans to deport 11 million unauthorized migrants during the debate's after-party, the Republican nominee is rumored to have said, "Look, folks, I've got a plan to deport 11 million people, and it's going to be tremendous — just tremendous. We'll make it so efficient that even Houdini would be impressed. We're talking about a system so fast that people will be calling us the 'Vanishing Act' experts. It’ll be like one minute they're here, and the next minute — poof! — they’re out of here. No more long lines at the DMV, just long lines at the border, and they'll be going in the other direction!"
No More Debates
The Republican nominee’s refusal to participate in a third debate has left many wondering if he’s playing a high-stakes game of hide-and-seek. Picture this: the nominee in a luxurious golden room, peeking out from behind a velvet curtain, saying, “If they can’t find me, they can’t ask me questions!” It’s as if he’s turned debate preparation into a strategic game of “now you see me, now you don’t,” complete with the dramatic flair of a magician who’s lost his rabbit.
Meanwhile, his refusal has sparked wild theories. Some say he’s rehearsing for a new reality TV show called "Debate or No Debate," where the contestants try to guess if they’ll actually face him or just get a tweet. Others speculate he’s on a secret mission to build a wall around his debate stage, with a sign that reads, “Entry by Invitation Only — But Only if I Want to Come.” Either way, his absence has turned the debate stage into a metaphorical desert, with the only thing growing being the anticipation for his next unexpected move.
[Article Link: No Third Debate]
Taco Tuesday (i.e., Election Day)
Returning to Texas politics, in what some Texas legislators are calling "an elaborate, caffeinated conspiracy," grassroots organizers have been busier than a squirrel in a nut factory, registering Latino voters faster than you can say "voter turnout." Texas Republicans, under the watchful eye of Attorney General Ken "Costello" Paxton, are suggesting that these new voter registration drives are basically an elaborate scheme to turn Texas blue. Greeted with the kind of resistance usually reserved for intrusions by space aliens or surprise pop quizzes, these valiant community organizers are reportedly planning to start offering free tacos with every voter registration to sweeten the deal and further infuriate the opposition. An unsubstantiated rumor suggests that grassroots volunteers are reportedly sending thank-you cards directly to Costello for the unintentional free publicity.
[Article Link: LULAC steps up voter registration after Texas attorney general's raids]
B.O.H.I.C.A!
In a move that screams "government overreach", Texas officials plan to use eminent domain powers to steal land from private property owners as it moves forward with its plans for its first-ever high-speed rail. That's right, folks — in a classic bait-and-switch move, while you were busy worrying about the government taking your guns, they were plotting to take your land for a 240-mile high-speed rail route connecting Dallas and Houston. The idea of the government forcibly taking private property to build a high-speed rail system has left many scratching their heads because nothing says "freedom" quite like the government swooping in and snatching up your land faster than their trains will ever move.
In a twist of irony, Texas lawmakers are defending their use of eminent domain by arguing that the bullet trains will make travel faster and more efficient. It’s a peculiar brand of progress: instead of individual rights, Texans are now getting an express route to the ultimate contradiction — government-imposed freedom. As one local libertarian put it, "I always wanted to exercise my freedom by refusing to sell my land, but who knew the state would do me the favor of taking it by force and then give me a bullet train to commute to my new, less-freedom-filled life?"
[Article Link: Texas Lawmakers Plan to Seize Land for Bullet Trains]