An Abusive Relationship

[Disclaimer: this article is intended to be satirical. If you believe that you are an actual victim of relationship abuse, PLEASE talk to someone that you trust. No one deserves to live their lives in fear. Ever.]

American politics during presidential election years is an epic performance of grand promises, fiery debates, and endless media commercials that make you wonder if our TV's are gaslighting us just to mess with our sanity. But within all of the mindless drivel that the Old Parties continue to churn out, there's a hidden subplot so absurd that it deserves its own primetime special episode: the psychological games that Old Party tacticians use to keep voters from selecting alternate party candidates.

"All that we can do is just survive. All that we can do to help ourselves is stay alive."

[Here are some of the most commonly known and understood aspects of abusive relationships as they relate to these topics.]

[They try to control who you see, get angry if you don't do what they say, and accuse you of being unfaithful.]
Let's start out with the most obvious tactic: the "fear" factor. This is the tactic where the Old Parties insist that if you dare to support an independent or alternate party candidate, you're essentially inviting an appearance from the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Like an overzealous Rob Zombie, they know how to tap into your deepest fears and use them against you. Imagine a dramatic voiceover: "This November, if you choose the 'None of the Above' option, you’re not just voting for a quirky outsider — you’re voting for the complete and utter collapse of civilization as we know it. Are you prepared to face the end of days? Didn’t think so."

"Sickness to insanity. Prayer to profanity. Days and weeks and months go by. Don't feel the hunger, too weak to cry."

[They will isolate you from family and friends, often by behaving rudely, and threaten to use violence against you, your family, or your friends of you consider trying to call them out on it.]
Next up is the classic Guilt Trip. Just like with any tribal mentality, the Old Parties know this psychological ploy as a well-worn tactic, often used to make you feel like a self-indulgent teenager refusing to clean your room. Both parties will look you dead in the eye and say, "If you vote third party, you're essentially squandering your vote on a pipe dream." Of course, they aren't going to be as obvious as that, but you might hear something like, "Ah, I see you’re voting for that charming third-party candidate. How noble! Now, let me just remind you that this is the political equivalent of using a $100 bill as a bookmark. What’s that? You think your vote counts? Oh, sweet summer child..."

"Ragged lines of ragged grey. Skeletons, they shuffle away."

[They put you down by attacking your intelligence, appearance, mental health, or capabilities, and blame you for all the problems in your relationship, including their outbursts.]
Enter the Spoiler Alert Scare Tactic. Both of the Old Parties are adept at convincing you that alternate party candidates are just pesky spoilers out to ruin the perfect, well-orchestrated plotline of the two-party system. This tactic also sometimes involves dire predictions of electoral chaos. You’ll hear phrases like, "That candidate is just a spoiler, and is only here to mess up my perfect script!" like that overzealous director who insists that any deviation from the script will lead to catastrophic results. "If you let that candidate in, there will be electoral anarchy! Chaos in the streets! People eating popcorn for breakfast!"

"Shouting guards and smoking guns will cut down the unlucky ones."

And what list of manipulative tactics would be complete without the "Who's Really Behind Them" Conspiracy theory. Whenever an alternate party candidate appears, both of the Old Parties get a bit like conspiracy theorists at a UFO convention. "Who’s funding this candidate? Who’s really pulling the strings?" they’ll ask as if they're not also on the take. "Is this a covert operation by the other side to trick you into voting against your own interests? Beware!" You might even hear, "That candidate is just a puppet! There’s a hidden agenda here. They’re in cahoots with extraterrestrials or, worse, lobbyists!" The problem is that most of us don't even have the funding to compete with Old Party candidates, so if we somehow DO manage to get into the polls and start gaining on Old Party candidates, it HAS to be a corruption conspiracy because they have all of the other bases covered.

"I clutch the wire fence until my fingers bleed, a wound that will not heal, a heart that cannot feel, hoping that the horror will recede, hoping that tomorrow we'll all be freed."

[They always promise that they will change, and that they will do better in the future, but they repeatedly demonstrate that they have no authentic desire to change or to do better in the future.]
And finally, we have the “You’re Not a True Patriot” routine. This gem involves the major parties questioning your loyalty to the country if you dare to consider an independent or alternate party candidate. This is just as axiomatic as that New Year's resolution to go to the gym more often. It’s political shaming at its finest. "Oh, you want to vote for someone who’s not part of the established two-party system? What’s next, not singing the national anthem?" The subtext here is clear: "If you really loved your country, you’d stick with the 'tried and true' options, not waste your time on those who might actually try to shake things up. Traitor!"

"I hear the sound of gunfire at the prison gate. Are the Liberators here? Do I hope or do I fear?"

[Do any of these sound familiar? If you knew someone who was experiencing any of these, what do you think you would tell them to do about it? Would you tell them to leave their abusive partner, or would you do nothing? Think about it, then choose for yourself.]
So, there you have it, the "Political Tango of Mind Games"; a sophisticated dance of psychological abuse performed by the Old Parties when it comes to independent and alternate party candidates. It’s a performance of guilt, fear, and conspiracy theories, all orchestrated to keep American voters in line and ensure that the two-party tango continues without a hitch. So, if you're tempted to explore the wild world of alternate party candidates, remember — you’re not just casting a vote; you’re stepping into a labyrinth of political mind games that makes Alex Jones look like the late Carl Sagan.